


All I Want for Xmas is Closure

by cafeaulater



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Christmas, Christmas Presents, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Panic Attacks, alluka is mentioned, give killua the love he deserves, his family is terrible, i just want killua to get recognition for how hard his life is, i wish i could write fluff how is this so much angst send help, no one likes the zoldycks, open for constructive criticism, this is my first fic how tf do tags work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:08:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28322136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafeaulater/pseuds/cafeaulater
Summary: Killua hates Christmas. Maybe it's because of all the fuss. Maybe it's because of the bright lights and suffocating cheer. Or maybe it's because of his family and a past he hates to face. Either way, he'll spend it with his chosen family, and maybe it will all be okay.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight, Kurapika/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101





	All I Want for Xmas is Closure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WindyQ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindyQ/gifts).



> This is my first fic ever, and I wanted to gift it to Windy, whose writing I have been devouring over the past few weeks and inspired me to write this (go read her stuff!). I hope you don't mind this gift and I wish there was more fluff in it but I am dedicated to getting better and I tried my best!   
> Trigger warning for childhood trauma and panic attacks - nothing super detailed but totally okay if that's not what you are into.  
> Anyway, thank you to anyone who reads this. This idea legit popped into my head at like 3am this morning so nothing like posting a last minute christmas fic when the holiday is almost over. Enjoy!

Killua Zoldyck hated Christmas. He didn’t make that a secret. For the past week, he’d scoffed when Gon excitedly pointed out Santa at the mall, groaned when Kurapika asked him to help him decorate the tree, and outright left the room when Leorio asked him if he had any Christmas records to put on the player (the answer, of course, was no, and so Leorio proceeded to sing the carols himself). 

“What a grinch,” Leorio had muttered as Killua left. The Zoldyck boy didn’t care, though. He hated Christmas and wanted nothing to do with it. If that made him a grinch, then so be it. 

It was still dark outside when Killua woke up on the dreaded morning of Christmas day. He hadn’t slept much, to be honest. He wished that Alluka could be with him right now, but she’d been unable to make it due to a sudden snowstorm that had kept her from leaving Bisky’s, where she had been training for almost a year now. He closed his eyes tightly and forced himself to take a deep breath. If Alluka was here, she’d understand how he was feeling. 

The sheets behind Killua shuffled slightly. Gon was awake. Killua feigned sleep - he wasn’t ready for what the morning would bring just yet. Gon was always excitable, but Gon on Christmas morning would be something else entirely. Killua tried his best to breathe evenly as Gon got up and went to the door of their bedroom, closing it behind himself with a soft click. Thank goodness… The room was eerily quiet, but Killua strongly preferred that to the alternative. He’d been dreading this day since their group had made plans several months ago to spend the holidays together in the city. 

The silence was short lived, shattering the moment the bedroom door flew open and Gon launched himself back onto the bed. He jumped, the sheets migrating off of Killua’s shoulders with each bounce.

“What the fuck, Gon,” he grumbled, grasping desperately onto a blanket and proceeding to cocoon himself in it. “It’s cold!” His cocoon tightened around him as Gon hugged its entirety. 

“Wake up, Killua! Santa came!” 

Killua suddenly felt even colder, despite the blanket and his best friend’s weight on top of him. Breathing was suddenly difficult again and he strained to remember the exercises Leorio had taught him. Breathe in four counts. Hold. Breathe out four counts. Hold. Gon seized the opportunity as Killua took a breath, dragging the younger - blanket cocoon and all - out of the bedroom. 

He was surprised to see Leorio already up, yawning in the corner, and Kurapika, as well, steeping tea with dark bags under his eyes. Of course. Gon had probably roused them just as he had Killua. Killua was flopped unceremoniously onto the floor in front of the couch. Gon plopped down next to him, tugging at the corner of the blanket.

“Get your own,” Killua mumbled, sinking deeper into its warmth. Gon pouted, but settled instead for leaning against his best friend as though he were a pillow. 

“Good morning, everybody,” Kurapika said with a gentle smile. He sipped his tea as Leorio placed a hand on his shoulder with a grin. 

“All right, Gon,” Leorio began, “you woke us all up this early, so you can hand out the presents that Santa brought.” 

Gon’s face lit up and he gave a curt nod. “Come on, Ki-llu-a!” he chirped. But his friend groaned from his blanket, making no move to get up. Gon found Killua’s arm and pulled. “Killuaaaaaaaaaaaa,” he whined. 

Killua gave in with an “Okay, okay. Geez…” He kept the blanket wrapped around him like a shawl as he let himself be dragged to the tree they had decorated earlier in the week. He worked quickly and quietly to pass out each small package to the correct person. It took less than a minute to finish. Done, Killua turned back to the couch and paused when he saw a small stack of wrapped packages with his name on them. His heart stopped and something felt tight around his throat. 

“What’re you waiting for, kid?” Leorio joked. Hesitantly, Killua settled on the end of the couch. Gon sat on the other end. 

“On Whale Island, we always counted to three, then Mito, Abe, and I would open all of our presents at once,” Gon said thoughtfully.

“Sounds good to me,” Leorio grinned, Kurapika nodding sleepily in agreement. 

“Alrighty, then! We open on three. One… two… THREE!” The quiet morning was filled with the sound of ripping paper and subtle exclamations of surprise. Killua took it all in, not quite sure what to do. 

“Does Killua not know how to open presents?” Gon asked. Killua felt suddenly very uncomfortable under his pressing gaze. He looked down at his hands, which had grown clammy, and he clenched them in a fold of the blanket. “Here,” Gon offered, helpfully, as he handed one of the gifts to him.

Killua turned it over in his hands a few times. It had his name on it… but he felt like if he opened it, there would be some consequence. It was beautifully wrapped in a red patterned paper and sealed with a golden ribbon. He picked at the corner with his fingernail, egged on by Gon’s scrutinizing stare. He felt a bead of sweat form on his temple as the taped edge lifted from the paper and the present slowly unwrapped to reveal a box of chocolates. Killua stared at the box for what felt like hours. He felt several eyes on him and it was all too much. The room was too small and he was certain that the air carried disappointment and so he pushed himself up with an “I’ve gotta go” and rushed to his bedroom, leaving the chocolates on the couch.  
“Well merry Christmas to you, too,” muttered Leorio with a scowl after Killua was out of sight.

“I don’t understand,” whispered Gon. “He loves chocolate… why… why did he seem so sad?” Leorio’s expression softened. 

Kurapika set his tea on the coffee table and stood up. “I think there is more to this than a box of chocolates.” He stood up gracefully and walked with purpose toward the door behind which Killua had disappeared. He knocked twice before, with a gentle tone, he said, “Killua, can I come in? It’s Kurapika.” There was no answer. “We’re worried, Killua. I’m going to open the door, okay? Tell me if you want me to leave.” He waited a few seconds, then slowly turned the doorknob. 

The bed was empty. It took Kurapika several moments to scan the dark room and spot the teenager curled up in the corner. A whisper of a sniffle informed the older man that Killua was crying.   
Leorio came up behind Kurapika, putting a hand on his shoulder before slowly pushing past him to approach the crying boy. Gon met Kurapika in the doorway, but went no further. 

Killua flinched when Leorio sat down beside him, and it did not go unnoticed by the doctor. “It’s okay, Killua. I’m not here to hurt you.” 

Killua sniffed and rubbed at his face with his fist. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in a trembling voice. 

“No, no, Killua, it’s okay,” cooed Leorio in an uncharacteristically gentle tone. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”

“I- I ruined your Christmas…”

“You didn’t ruin anything, man. Hey, hey. Look at me.” Killua strained to raise his head, choosing to look at Leorio’s chin instead of meeting his eyes. That was enough for Leorio. “Killua, you are more important to us than a holiday, okay? If you’re hurting, we want you to be okay more than we want a happy celebration. You couldn’t ruin our day if you tried.” 

Something there must have hit hard, because Killua let out a sob and fell into Leorio’s arms. He buried his head into the doctor’s shoulder and Leorio rubbed gentle patterns on his back. “It’s okay,” he kept repeating. Kurapika and Gon watched quietly from the doorway. It hurt to watch. Gon’s heart was breaking with each sob. What had he missed? Surely Gon had missed the signs that something was terribly wrong… But, then again, Killua had always excelled at hiding his feelings. 

When the sobs had mostly died down, Leorio tried again with “Do you want to talk about it?” 

There was a long pause and the doctor started to wonder if the boy had cried himself back to sleep when, through shaky breaths, Killua whispered, “Why?” Leorio wasn’t sure what to make of the question, so he waited patiently for Killua to continue. “W-why do I get something from Santa?”

Coming from a teenage boy, the question was unexpected, but Leorio wasted no time in responding. “Because you’ve been good, Killua. And because Santa loves you.”

An expression akin to fear or shame or sadness came over Killua’s features. His breaths were quick and short. Leorio knew a panic attack when he saw one. He kept his voice calm as he said, “Killua, it’s okay. It is going to be okay. Breathe, buddy, all right?” He turned to the doorway. “Gon, could you please get a glass of water for him?” Gon nodded and took off without another word as Leorio turned his attention back to Killua. “Hey, buddy. Remember how to breathe. I’ll do it with you, okay? Ready… In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four…” He counted through several breaths while gently rubbing the boy’s back. 

By the time Gon was back with a glass of water, Killua was breathing again, though clearly exhausted. Gon offered the water and Leorio watched as the younger boy drank the full glass with shaking hands. 

“I-,” Killua started. He looked down at his knees. “I tried so hard…” His voice broke on the last word. “I tried so hard to be good when I was little, so why didn’t I ever get a gift then? Why do I get chocolates now when all I wanted back then was a day of peace?” Tears rolled down his face. “All I wanted… I just wanted a day with Alluka. Or a day without punishment. But that’s behind me and now somehow I get chocolates??? Was I really that bad?” The tears were coming faster now and Leorio was speechless. It’s suddenly abundantly clear to him what the problem is. Of course Killua would think that maybe he had deserved his terrible upbringing. Of course he would trivialize something like Santa, something he probably didn’t fully understand as a child beyond the fact that other kids were getting rewards for being good and he was not. No wonder this kid hated the holidays so much. 

“No, Killua. You were always good…” Leorio hesitated. He wasn’t sure what to do, exactly. Killua was well beyond the age that most children had come to an understanding about Santa, but, at the same time, it seemed inappropriate to say anything about that at the moment. “Sometimes,” he began hesitantly, “some kids don’t get gifts from Santa. But it isn’t their fault. Sometimes parents keep Santa away or make it so he can’t get to where they live…” He wasn’t sure if he was saying the right thing or not, but it felt like a trainwreck. 

“That’s true,” Kurapika offered, stepping forward with his arms open at his sides. “I did not get gifts when I was little because the Kurta do not celebrate Christmas. Sometimes, though, we would exchange gifts with one another, instead, since we’d heard of the tradition from those outside of our clan.” Kurapika offered Leorio a friendly smile. 

Gon was next. He walked into the room and joined Killua on the floor, approaching slowly enough that Killua could push him away if he wanted to. “Aunt Mito always told me that Christmas isn’t about the gifts,” he said, snuggling up next to Killua. Leorio and Kurapika smiled fondly as they noticed the redness of Killua’s ears through his light hair. “Mito says that the holidays are about being kind. And Killua’s family was not kind to him.” Gon looked very thoughtful for a moment. “But Killua is still kind even though his family was unkind to him. And I think that makes him really amazing!”

Killua’s face was so red, the others were worried he might combust. “S-s-stupid!” he shrieked, pushing Gon away from him. “Don’t you get embarrassed?!” 

Gon laughed and smiled back at Killua. “Nope!” he declared with pride. “Because I’m so happy I get to know Killua!” Killua screeched as Gon circled his arms around his form and hefted him up into the air. “C’mon, Killua, let’s go eat the cookies we made yesterday.”

“Put me down, idiot,” gasped Killua, face now so red it hurt. The others laughed as Gon carried him to the kitchen. Killua gave in, leaning his head against Gon’s shoulder with a huff. But he felt as though something heavy had been lifted from his chest. And, with Gon’s arms holding him so tightly, he was confident that everything he’d gone through had led to this moment of peace and love and the best chosen family he could ever have hoped for. Maybe, he thought, he didn’t hate Christmas as much as he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to anyone and everyone who reads this! I appreciate any comments and/or kudos. I also am open to constructive criticism on this because I really do want to get better at writing. Love you all and happy Christmas if you are celebrating it!


End file.
